![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
toweredinglyRoland had woken with a headache and a sinking sense of cold dread, and neither were because of the large amounts of whiskey and graf he'd drunk the night before. It was a familiar feeling; the same steady almost-fear settled into his bones whenever he saw a battle looming. But battles could be fought with gunfire and cold rage, with all thought pushed aside and the world coming at you moment by moment. Today was worse. Today was politics.
He'd set aside his usual jerkin and jeans for more formal gear. The suit itself wasn't so bad, but he felt naked without his guns at his hip. It would have been good to have their comfort, even if he had no intent of using them. Their weight had always been like having a part of his father still with him, and all the gunslingers of their line before him. Now, when he most felt need of that reassurance, he had to set it aside. Clean-shaven and well-heeled, with his hair pulled back into a queue and his feet rubbed by the hard leather of new shoes, he felt like another man - and one even less capable of facing all that lay ahead.
The wedding was in the morning, before the real Fair-Day began. Then things would take their usual course; the castle flung open to the people, the feasting and singing and Fair-Day riddling, with raucous good humour and doubtless a few fights. That was manageable. He had lived that every Fair-Day for his whole life. What frightened him, more than he would ever admit, was the part that came before and after.
"You look more like a man going to put a noose around her neck than a ring around her finger," Bert commented in his ear, bringing him back to the present. For his part, Bert looked perfectly at ease in formal wear, sauntering about and regarding Roland with a critical eye. Whatever dark mood had been slithering about under the surface, he seemed to have excised it for now.
Roland answered with a grunt, looking back ruefully at the gunbelt hanging over the back of his chair, and closed his eyes for a moment. "Is there a difference?"
"Dinh or no dinh, I'm not beyond punching you. Just for once, Ro', try to stop living in whatever darkness is going on in that bony head of yours, and relax." For once, Bert wasn't smiling. He slung an arm around his friend's shoulders, looking at him closely. "She's not Susan. I kennit, Ro'. But she's what Susan would have wanted for you. Carry that with you, at least."
"Thankee, Bert." Patting Cuthbert on the back, Roland shook his head and started towards the door. Towards the Hall of the Ancestors, where Burtock Hattlen waited in lieu of a dinh, where Alain was standing by with a ring.
The hall was filled, to a casual eye, but Roland saw the empty spaces more than the full. No Cort, no Vannay, no Stephen Deschain in the high seat. Many who should have been seated in the best places were gone. Somehow, that made it easier to settle his mind, straighten his spine, and wait steady and watchful at the front of the hall for his bride.
He'd set aside his usual jerkin and jeans for more formal gear. The suit itself wasn't so bad, but he felt naked without his guns at his hip. It would have been good to have their comfort, even if he had no intent of using them. Their weight had always been like having a part of his father still with him, and all the gunslingers of their line before him. Now, when he most felt need of that reassurance, he had to set it aside. Clean-shaven and well-heeled, with his hair pulled back into a queue and his feet rubbed by the hard leather of new shoes, he felt like another man - and one even less capable of facing all that lay ahead.
The wedding was in the morning, before the real Fair-Day began. Then things would take their usual course; the castle flung open to the people, the feasting and singing and Fair-Day riddling, with raucous good humour and doubtless a few fights. That was manageable. He had lived that every Fair-Day for his whole life. What frightened him, more than he would ever admit, was the part that came before and after.
"You look more like a man going to put a noose around her neck than a ring around her finger," Bert commented in his ear, bringing him back to the present. For his part, Bert looked perfectly at ease in formal wear, sauntering about and regarding Roland with a critical eye. Whatever dark mood had been slithering about under the surface, he seemed to have excised it for now.
Roland answered with a grunt, looking back ruefully at the gunbelt hanging over the back of his chair, and closed his eyes for a moment. "Is there a difference?"
"Dinh or no dinh, I'm not beyond punching you. Just for once, Ro', try to stop living in whatever darkness is going on in that bony head of yours, and relax." For once, Bert wasn't smiling. He slung an arm around his friend's shoulders, looking at him closely. "She's not Susan. I kennit, Ro'. But she's what Susan would have wanted for you. Carry that with you, at least."
"Thankee, Bert." Patting Cuthbert on the back, Roland shook his head and started towards the door. Towards the Hall of the Ancestors, where Burtock Hattlen waited in lieu of a dinh, where Alain was standing by with a ring.
The hall was filled, to a casual eye, but Roland saw the empty spaces more than the full. No Cort, no Vannay, no Stephen Deschain in the high seat. Many who should have been seated in the best places were gone. Somehow, that made it easier to settle his mind, straighten his spine, and wait steady and watchful at the front of the hall for his bride.
no subject
Date: 2015-02-06 01:11 am (UTC)"Oh, don't say that, then I'll daydream about cuddling and that probably isn't very realistic." Not because he tended to be rough, but just because to cuddle you actually had to go to bed, and she knew just by being in his room, the lack of feeling in it, that he wasn't here often. And he sure as hell wouldn't be visiting her, not even if Farson's balls were nailed to board and he wanted to celebrate. "But, then, those of us who need attention tend to want to see others as the same, it's not as lonely that way."
This, much like a lot of what Roland said, was just a plainly stated fact and nothing more than that. "That's three! The next two will be absolutely terrible, though, do you want to put yourself through such a harrowing challenge?"
no subject
Date: 2015-02-06 01:26 am (UTC)He didn't really expect her to refuse. She seemed to like talking, after all, and he didn't plan to ask her anything too uncomfortable. This just felt horribly one-sided, which for somebody unused to talking about himself, made it rather more difficult. Besides, thinking about it, he was a little shocked by just how little he knew of her.
no subject
Date: 2015-02-06 01:35 am (UTC)"I'll give you punching, especially since I would never really do it anyway," Unless someone was hurting him. Or Bert or Alain. "Amend 'no surprises' to exclude harmless things such as occasionally asking you to come shoot with me or perhaps have lunch, and I will accept that sometimes your answer to such requests will be 'no', and I won't hold it against you." Probably. "And then it's a deal. Hell, ask ten if you like."
no subject
Date: 2015-02-06 02:01 am (UTC)She wasn't entirely wrong in her belief that it was near-impossible for him not to be serious. Whatever sense of humour he had once had (which hadn't been considerable; jokes had always been one of the areas of life he left to other people) had been lost in Hambry, or along the long miles between then and now. But that didn't stop him from smiling, although he looked more than a little tired as he did. It was in the eyes, those cold blue eyes that looked older than they had any right to.
"Alright." Resting his hands on her thighs, he half-closed his eyes. "Ask away."
no subject
Date: 2015-02-06 02:16 am (UTC)"How long has it been since you spent time with your ka-tet," She still couldn't say that word without her tongue forming oddly around it but it didn't stop her any, "as their friend and not their dinh?" She had warned him that this would be a little harder, so no complaining!
no subject
Date: 2015-02-06 02:38 am (UTC)"I can't be one and not the other. No more than we can stop being an-tet. I was their dinh when we were boys, long before I won my guns, and I will be their dinh until our tet is broken. And I am no less their friend when I am talking to them dan-dinh, or when we are fighting together. And I am no less their dinh when we are shooting targets together, or mocking one another." He couldn't help feeling that he was failing to articulate just how difficult he found the question. He knew what she meant by it, but the idea of that friendship being separate from their dynamics as a tet simply wasn't one he could wrap his head around.
no subject
Date: 2015-02-06 03:07 am (UTC)Whether Roland understood or not wasn't really her concern, judging but her grin she was happy with the result, and that was probably all that counted. "Good, that was the answer that I hoped for." Because for all that seemed to linger between those friends, good, bad, simple and not, certain things just couldn't be undone. They just had to be that way, including Roland's status, and the probably constant back and forth between he and Cuthbert.
"Alright, last one!" And yet for the first time Nariko hesitated. It wasn't an overly pronounced fact, but as she had finally returned to her more bubbly, relaxed self even a second or two of extended silence was odd. She half-filled it with her touch lingering over one of his arms (bless men and their arms, really and truly) the other still around him as she rested her chin on his shoulder.
"Did you consider not going through with it yesterday? I told you that you didn't have to." But he had only kissed her and that wasn't an answer, it was just the one thing left to utterly confuse her at the time.
no subject
Date: 2015-02-06 03:31 am (UTC)"When you said that I could choose not to show," he said after a moment, "that was when I knew I would." Frowning a little, he closed his eyes. "Not only because of the rest of what you said, though that was true enough. That you brought men and stock with you, that you would stand by Gilead, that you had made your own choice... all that mattered, but it wasn't why." It was hard to find the words for this. Now, as with the question before, he picked his way through what he was saying with exquisite care, speaking slowly and with long pauses. "When I arranged to marry you, I didn't think of it as I should have. I was thinking of pieces on a board, not of people. When you arrived here, when I began to think of it, I..."
With a little splash, he shifted, opening his eyes and half-turning to look at her fully. There was a frankness there that had been lacking before. "I thought, what is it I am condemning her to? A loveless marriage, fraught with ghosts. A husband who carries the Tower first, Gilead second, and her far behind either. A war in a land that isn't hers, with a people who mistrust her and a town half-dead. I started to think of you as a person, and I saw someone who would struggle at best under all that weight, and at worst break. And I would be responsible.
"Then I met you, and I heard where you had come from, and I realised you wouldn't break. You were strong, and you were willing to work, and you had a gunslinger's heart. And I thought that I had been wrong. The worst thing that could happen wasn't bringing you here. It was wanting you. That would be the harder thing to carry. Yesterday..." Again, he paused, running a hand back through his hair, and shrugged. "Yesterday, I realised that the worst had already happened. And I realised, not for the first time, what a fucking idiot I am." He laughed, a short little bark. "So, no, not yesterday. Yesterday, I realised that avoiding it would be the stupidest thing I could possibly do."
He fell silent again, settling back against her. The marks where her nails had dug into his back were stinging just a little in the warm water, and if that wasn't a reminder of how stupid he'd been to think he could not want her, he didn't know what was.
no subject
Date: 2015-02-06 04:05 am (UTC)In fact it was nowhere near, and it didn't matter how long it took, she waited for every train of thought and was so intently focused on listening that she almost jumped when he faced her. He was too fucking quick sometimes. By the time he turned back around and reset himself in the way that was now his until they got out of this tub, her face was stuck in a permanently shocked expression. What? What in the world just happened? Was any of that even real? Was he capable of understanding what all of that meant to her? Probably not, but the idea ran through her mind anyway.
"Roland …" What the hell did she even say? What could even be good enough? Nothing, likely, but she tried despite that. "This is the second time you have told me more than I knew I even needed to begin with." And she could say thank you over and over again but it just wouldn't be right. The only thing she could do was hug him, almost too gently but unquestioningly desperate. But that wasn't for too long, she didn't want to drag everything down and she only needed a moment and a half or so. Her voice might have been a little thick when she spoke again but it would return to normal. She was perfectly fine, none of it was sadness, in fact it was indescribable gratuity. "Honestly, I don't think anyone has said this many positive things about me in a day in years!" Hahaha! Hah!
Her grip relaxed, returned to normal, but she did kiss his cheek. "Your turn." If only to give her a break from the recurring waves of amazement that seemed designed to make her cry out of some weird, exhausted-relieved joy. "Ask whatever you want, no limits."
no subject
Date: 2015-02-06 04:30 am (UTC)He didn't say any of that, though, just covered her hands with his and closed his eyes again for a moment, thinking. His first instinct was to ask the questions that really burned at his curiosity - what Joshua had been to her, for instance, where that desperation came from, why her mother had turned coats - but even dense as he could occasionally be, he was sharp enough to know when a wound might be too raw to prod at it. Instead, after a little while, he asked, "What were you expecting me to be? When you came here, before you met me, what did you expect?"
no subject
Date: 2015-02-06 04:53 am (UTC)"I feel bad, this is an entirely boring answer!" But one he was owed all the same and one she would speak honestly just as he'd done for her. "I wasn't really expecting you to be anything, rather I tried to run through any combination of traits that would make the most sense based on the position you were in. If there had been more time between coming back and finding out that I was going to be married at all, I might have had time for an expectation of some sort. As it was I came home, she told me, I threatened to kill her and she dangled my brother in my face. I didn't have a choice at that point so it was done and I was coming here."
For her it had all happened in an extremely short amount of time, no chance to stop and think or gain her bearings before she was in a foreign place. "Before I actually saw you I figured you might end up being too busy working and might either ignore me completely or just occasionally visit me for sex and nothing more. Being expected to keep you company in some play at emotional intimacy was a possibility, too, but I found that much more unbearable compared to being ignored. I will say that I expected you to be older than me, about Joshua's age in truth, and I didn't expect you to be good looking, either. Granted, I had to stop freaking out before I could notice that last part. I had just gotten here and, to my ears, you were already trying to back out. I didn't care about the why of it, you were someone I didn't know but you stood in the way of protecting my brother and I couldn't let that happen."
Now was a very good time to kiss his neck, near where she had left a very prominent mark. "I am sorry about all of that. I was scared but I don't think that's exactly an excuse, not all the way."
no subject
Date: 2015-02-06 05:07 am (UTC)Well, judging by the last hour or so, that wasn't something he had to concern himself over any more. The thought made him smile briefly despite himself, one hand going down to slide up the inside of her thigh.
"Alright. Another question, then." It didn't take him as long to come up with one this time. "You said one of your problems was Bert. Why?"
no subject
Date: 2015-02-06 05:37 am (UTC)The path of his hand made her grin and she hoped he could feel it clearly, but his question made her huff. "'Problem' isn't the right words it's just ..." She leaned back and then forward again, trying to think through it. "... How do I explain this without going on for an hour..." Well, shit. Of all the questions that would give her real trouble!
"One of the reasons I like and greatly prefer you to someone like Cuthbert is because you don't really hide anything. I won't lie and say that it isn't difficult to hear certain things delivered bluntly or seemingly without any regard for how I might feel, but I can handle that. What scares me is talking to someone who says one thing but really feels the opposite. Even when he's kind I get the very distinct feeling that it is ... Not faked, but it's at arms length and then that makes the sensation even worse to me." It was her turn to be careful about her choice of wording, she needed to get this at least mostly right the first time around. "He's been incredibly sweet to me and I am grateful for that, I don't believe he would ever purposely harm me unless I gave him a reason. And I imagine that someone who hides some of those feelings is also the type of man to feel things so incredibly and fiercely that maybe it's just too much, and it's easier to smile and joke, to only mention it in short bursts."
She sighed, perhaps a little dramatically. "And of course if I'm right about that then it means he and I share the trait, and that just magnifies my fears. Am I saying the right thing? Does he know that I would never let anything happen to you? Does he know I won't be disloyal? How do I find my footing with someone who can hide their feelings that skillfully? That's all it is."
no subject
Date: 2015-02-06 02:58 pm (UTC)It wasn't much in the way of reassurance, and he knew it. But then, he had never pretended to be a reassuring man, only an honest one. He knew Bert, and he knew the depths of the other's ruthlessness when it came to protecting what he loved. He had seen it. Hell, he had been on the receiving end of it enough times.
"You had his respect from the moment you beat him on the range," he said after a moment. "You'll have his loyalty as long as I stand by you. But it's only now you've won his trust." A thin little twist of a smile, wry and sharp. "I'm telling you this because if he changes how he treats you more than an iota, I'll eat my hat. As for finding your footing... I've known him since we were both in swaddling, and he still throws me every so often. If ever you find solid ground with him, you'd better tell me, for it's a skill I could use." Again, not reassurance but honesty - and honesty delivered with a wry edge that was almost humour.
The humour was predictably short-lived. Settling down a little lower in the water, so his head was pillowed against her breasts, he looked up at her. "Next question. Have you killed?" Asked so casually he might as well have been asking what she liked for dinner.
no subject
Date: 2015-02-06 04:55 pm (UTC)"I guess if even you can't, then I should stop expecting to figure it out myself." And maybe that would be enough to start with. He was Roland's best friend, part of something outside of her, it was romantic to think they might become decent enough friends but romantic thoughts hardly made themselves a reality.
For finally using her chest for its real true purpose she slid his hair between her fingers over and over again, so easily that one might think they always rested like this. She looked at him a bit oddly, though, "Technically you've asked that before, haven't you?" Or was it just that she had implied it? The day they met felt like ages ago and she was genuinely unsure, but the answer followed just in case. "I've killed just enough to stop having as much of a mental breakdown over it, yes."
agh i should have checked he hadn't already asked I WAS REALLY TIRED OKAY?
Date: 2015-02-06 05:16 pm (UTC)"Would you come with me?" he asked at last, his eyes closed. There was an odd kind of tension to the question, though. "If Gilead falls, if I have nothing left here. If you knew that coming with me would be your death, for I know that when I find the Tower, I will find it alone. If this land is overrun, but you and I survive. Would you come with me, or would you go back to your kin?"
NO IT'S OKAY that was like 300 comments ago or something! Tbh I don't really remember either!
Date: 2015-02-06 05:39 pm (UTC)"I would go with you." The reply was far quieter than her usual tone, but no less honest. She had an inkling of what it meant for him to ask her this and she wanted to respect it. Her lips pressed against his temple, gentle and sweet just for one instant. "My place is beside you, Roland, not behind or in front of. I don't begrudge it, and I am not afraid of it." So she wasn't a responsibility nor a source of inevitable guilt. This was her answer and her choice and she hoped he might see that much.
...oh god i didn't even realise how much of this we'd written wow XD
Date: 2015-02-06 05:58 pm (UTC)He said none of that. He only nodded, his expression resigned as much as relieved, and took her hand. For a moment, he was still and silent, eyes still closed, then he turned his head, kissing her shoulder. "You may come to regret that place," he said at last. His eyes were soft with something that might have been grief, but he was smiling. "Last question. Are you clean enough?" His hand slid up her thigh again, as he made an obvious and conscious decision to drop the subject before it led to darker places. "Because I've a mind to dirty you again."
Haha yep! There's a lot and every second has been so much fun
Date: 2015-02-06 06:26 pm (UTC)"You really only went with five!" And, surprisingly, he didn't ask about anything that she would have expected, but maybe that was for the best. If Roland could let himself have some period of time where he was free of some of his suffering, then she could stop thinking about everything that lingered in her mind. "But if that's your intention I can live with five. I'm the very definition of clean and you should fix that. But if we end up in here again we're switching positions and I'll be disappointed if you don't use it to your advantage."
Which wasn't to say she didn't enjoy things this way! She really and truly had! It had also eliminated the possibility of him diverting any conversation they had with sex because it was difficult for him to touch her if his back was to her chest. But the other way around? A completely different story.
i'm glad you think so too! (it would be destroying my sleep patterns if i'd ever had them)
Date: 2015-02-06 06:42 pm (UTC)"I have the rest of our lives to find out about you," he observed, "and I think I know as much as I need to for now. I'd rather use my mouth for something less liable to end in sorrow." Looking down at her with undisguised appreciation, he offered her a hand up. Whatever else he might feel for her (and for the time being, he was avoiding addressing that issue), there was no denying that she was beautiful, or that looking at her naked and wet made it much easier to drive serious concerns out of his mind than any amount of talking would.
Well hey if there's no hope of sleeping, might as well have fun!
Date: 2015-02-06 07:16 pm (UTC)"A fair and just argument if I've ever heard one!" And then she reached out and took his hand, guided herself up to stand but took a kiss first, which was what she thought he meant as far as using his mouth. If there was some other meaning to that, well ... It probably wouldn't be a true wedding night without one surprise. For now she forced herself to pull away because trying to get out of a bath while kissing was asking for an embarrassing head injury.
that's what I figure, yeah.
Date: 2015-02-06 07:48 pm (UTC)"As if I needed an argument," he commented dryly, his hand sliding off her breast and down to her hip. "Given a few minutes between to recover, I can't help but feel we could do this all night."
no subject
Date: 2015-02-06 08:24 pm (UTC)"Oh, we could, and it would be amazing." She felt completely secure in saying it, now since they hardly lacked a physical spark. "And it is our wedding night, so I think we would only be doing ourselves a favor by taking advantage of the situation." Her words were almost coy as she kissed his shoulder, and inward to the base of his neck, her fingers reaching up the length of his back, to where she had pressed marks into him, and touched gently there, but to say there wasn't a hint of pride would be a horrible lie.
sorry for the long delay there. friend showed up to force me out of the house.
Date: 2015-02-07 12:08 am (UTC)With that in mind, he arched a little against her fingers, feeling the slight sting of the scratches, and slipped his hand momentarily inwards to trace a barely-there line up her thigh with one finger. "Well. There's a lot of night yet to fill." Tipping his head a little to bare his neck better, he ran his hand up between her legs, pausing for a moment with his palm cupped over her mound, and then withdrew it.
No problem. I hope you had fun!
Date: 2015-02-07 01:27 am (UTC)Or maybe not since she pulled away a little suddenly, stilled her hands at the middle of his back and looked up at Roland with pure mischief in her eyes. "Unless you plan on attempting to tease me all night, then I might have to resort to very drastic ideas." She attempted to slide out of his hold, not because she wanted to but because how else would she see if he followed or not!
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:you can either call this an end to the thread or carry on from the morning, idk
From: