Wedding Bells (AU, for gunslingerqueen) (NSFW)

[toweredingly]

Roland had woken with a headache and a sinking sense of cold dread, and neither were because of the large amounts of whiskey and graf he'd drunk the night before. It was a familiar feeling; the same steady almost-fear settled into his bones whenever he saw a battle looming. But battles could be fought with gunfire and cold rage, with all thought pushed aside and the world coming at you moment by moment. Today was worse. Today was politics.

He'd set aside his usual jerkin and jeans for more formal gear. The suit itself wasn't so bad, but he felt naked without his guns at his hip. It would have been good to have their comfort, even if he had no intent of using them. Their weight had always been like having a part of his father still with him, and all the gunslingers of their line before him. Now, when he most felt need of that reassurance, he had to set it aside. Clean-shaven and well-heeled, with his hair pulled back into a queue and his feet rubbed by the hard leather of new shoes, he felt like another man - and one even less capable of facing all that lay ahead.

The wedding was in the morning, before the real Fair-Day began. Then things would take their usual course; the castle flung open to the people, the feasting and singing and Fair-Day riddling, with raucous good humour and doubtless a few fights. That was manageable. He had lived that every Fair-Day for his whole life. What frightened him, more than he would ever admit, was the part that came before and after.

"You look more like a man going to put a noose around her neck than a ring around her finger," Bert commented in his ear, bringing him back to the present. For his part, Bert looked perfectly at ease in formal wear, sauntering about and regarding Roland with a critical eye. Whatever dark mood had been slithering about under the surface, he seemed to have excised it for now.

Roland answered with a grunt, looking back ruefully at the gunbelt hanging over the back of his chair, and closed his eyes for a moment. "Is there a difference?"

"Dinh or no dinh, I'm not beyond punching you. Just for once, Ro', try to stop living in whatever darkness is going on in that bony head of yours, and relax." For once, Bert wasn't smiling. He slung an arm around his friend's shoulders, looking at him closely. "She's not Susan. I kennit, Ro'. But she's what Susan would have wanted for you. Carry that with you, at least."

"Thankee, Bert." Patting Cuthbert on the back, Roland shook his head and started towards the door. Towards the Hall of the Ancestors, where Burtock Hattlen waited in lieu of a dinh, where Alain was standing by with a ring.

The hall was filled, to a casual eye, but Roland saw the empty spaces more than the full. No Cort, no Vannay, no Stephen Deschain in the high seat. Many who should have been seated in the best places were gone. Somehow, that made it easier to settle his mind, straighten his spine, and wait steady and watchful at the front of the hall for his bride.

Comments

they just can't ever have nice things

[gunslingerqueen]

Who could have ever thought that she might loathe that expression more than the first time she saw it? Certainly not her. Still, Nariko waited and did her best to retain some hope that it wasn't really that bad. Maybe a complicated scuffle, maybe something to do with Jacquard, but she knew that wasn't the case even as she smiled politely at Alain, still doing nothing more to hide herself.

The maid did her job while Nariko caught snippets of their talk, and answered every glance that came her way with a raised brow. Did they expect her to be somewhere else? Or to magically fly up from the bed and attack one of them? She wasn't exactly in a state to run off. But for Alain, who had already survived the formality of the wedding itself and now this, she could manage to brush off the irritation. "I know, Alain, I hope you are alright." She wasn't so far off that she hadn't been able to bend a bit to catch sight of the blood.

Genuine concern or not, though, the sooner Alain was gone the sooner she would be tasked with figuring out the state of her husband. If she trusted her instincts and the lines of his body then she would be forced to admit that there might not be any reclaiming the calm they'd found. But what were instincts? Annoying, that was what they were ... And hopefully wrong.

story of roland's life tbh

[toweredingly]

After a moment, Alain left, leaving Roland to rest his forehead against the doorframe for a moment while he steadied himself. One night. One night of peace, after all the struggles of the day. Had it really been so much to ask?

Nodding to the maid as she dried her hands and hurried away, he closed the door after her and moved back over to sit on the bed, head in his hands and sheet still around his waist. "The next person to bring me bad news," he commented at last, rather bitterly, "will be lucky not to get my boot in their belly." It was a joke, or as much as one as someone so humourless could summon up with the immense weariness that was currently coming over him. At the same time, though, it might not be so far from true. He might have been able to manage, had it not been for that hope, however brief, of letting it go for the night.

Then is it good or bad that he's stuck with a woman that won't give up on the nice things

[gunslingerqueen]

There was no real privacy until the maid left and Nariko waited impatiently for that, wanting to be at his side with all the protective instinct of an infuriated animal. But the idea of having anyone see her or them in that state was unsettling so she might have glared at said maid, just a little. When he was near her she let the blanket go, far more concerned with reaching out and carding her fingers through his hair, trying to soothe him even by just a fraction of an inch.

"You won't have to, the next time someone knocks on the door I'll open it, and you won't have to deal with it. 'Not just yours to carry' and all that." Unless there was a true fight, or someone was dead she could tell people to fuck off, it wasn't that difficult.

"Roland, look at me," Even if he didn't she certainly looked at him, just not with her usual stubborn, hardheaded nature, now it was something gentler, just as imploring but not with such a lack of subtlety. "Everything was fine as it could be, and it can go right back to that. We are both still here, and what's wrong can wait until the morning, I promise, so there's no sense in wasting warm bath water. I have enough silly questions to distract you for the rest of the night." She slid off of the bed but didn't quite let go, nor did she forcefully pull him. "You can listen to them or find a way to shut me up after getting through at least three, those are the only options."

probably good. he needs someone to kick him out of being a depressive ass.

[toweredingly]

He half-smiled, a twitch of the mouth that didn't reach his eyes. Bone-weary as he was, worried as he was, it was more of a relief than he could comfortably admit to have her treat it so matter-of-factly. It took some of the weight off him, even if it did nothing to soothe the gnawing discomfiture in his gut. The whole situation felt like it was running out of his control. Having someone other than him take control, even of so small a part... that wasn't nothing.

"Three, I can manage," he said after a moment, unwinding the sheet from his hips and letting himself be guided to his feet. "Beyond that, no promises." But he looked at her with a new kind of fondness, one hand going out to rest for a moment on her hip.

now lets just hope she never really kicks him

[gunslingerqueen]

She would take far more if she thought he might let her. It was clear as sunlight to her that he was capable of handling this war, that he was in fact capable of things most other people could never be, but the pressure he was under was just too much. Maybe with time he could feel better with sharing more of it. She couldn't pretend to know how to sooth his personal suffering but that wasn't the only way to help someone help themselves.

Right now getting this much out of him was a victory so even if he couldn't smile with his eyes she did, and brightly enough for them both.

"Ahh," She leaned up as much as she could to kiss his jaw, "But what if you get a surprise for answering five?" Not that there was any guarantee ... But something could be worked out! The first few steps were taken backwards, but before she turned around she flashed him that same smile, and took his hand loosely. To the tub!! Except once there she deliberately got in before him, making sure to press her back against one end, her hair hanging over the edge because it wasn't worth getting it wet. If he thought he was getting away from an embrace here Roland was well and truly insane.

i'm pretty sure if they got in a physical fight they would destroy everything around them

[toweredingly]

"I'd say that depends on what the surprise is. And what the questions are." He stepped into the tub after her, hesitating for a bare moment before settling back against her. Really, the tub was too short for him as it was, even without her in it as well; when he settled in, his knees were lifted almost to his chest. But that was fine. What was less comfortable, although he did his best not to show it, was resting up against her this way. Not physically, of course. The problem was with relaxing against her, with the pervasive feeling that he was trying to put off his responsibilities, weighing her down with them as much as with his body. The problem was that sex was one thing, but closeness was another.

He shook off the feeling, resting his head back on her shoulder and looking up at her. "Go ahead. Ask."

Oh, without a doubt! Which is why imo it's a simultaneously terrifying and exciting idea

[gunslingerqueen]

"Hm. I'd say you could freely request my mouth whenever you want and wherever we are at least once but, frankly, you could just do that normally anyway. Oh! How about I'll freely punch someone you can't, and get myself out of it. Like if someone irritates you but they're too important, so I just go and do it for you? Something like that!" She was kidding! Sort of! ... Not ... Really, in fact not at all! But that was fine, right? He might see his weight as a burden but Nariko only wrapped her arms around his middle and relaxed entirely, accepting his presence without a second thought. For her it was comforting to be able to take care of someone again, and the context didn't need to be romantic for it to happen, either.

"Alright, first question ..." She pretended as if she hadn't already thought it out, and so her expression was purposefully over dramatic before she said, "Favorite color!"

it would be so disastrous and thus clearly needs to happen

[toweredingly]

He had to think about that, perhaps a ridiculous amount. He never had been one for that kind of question. Favourite colours didn't play into his life, and so he'd never thought about it.

"White," he said at last. "Or, if that doesn't count, then blue." Both were more based on the first thing to come into his mind than on any real favourite, but that was no bad thing. It was, at least, the distraction she'd promised.

Yes, this is a great idea and nothing bad will happen (that can't be fixed. Maybe.)

[gunslingerqueen]

That the response wasn't completely instantaneous made the wait ridiculous, but she waited and drew little circles on his chest. "I can accept white, it fits for reasons that aren't so obvious."

Which left them to move onto the next question which upped itself in intricacy if not full difficulty. "Now, say that on any particular day you're being too hardheaded and not eating and not sleeping because, let's face it, that happened before. Let us also remember that I am a chronic worrier and that in general I just don't really want you to waste away? Mostly because that would be horrible and you're not getting rid of me yet." None of that was the question, but that did follow! "Now, on this particular day, if I were to have exhausted all verbal attempts and you ignored me, how terribly might you react if I just sat on that really important desk until you left it and took a nap."

everything would be awful for a while but what else is new?

[toweredingly]

Roland gave a rather dry little half-smile. So that was her game. He couldn't say he minded the question all that much, although there was a part of him that rankled at her obvious belief that he needed looking after. It was bad enough getting that kind of concern from Bert or Alain, and they had known him long enough to earn the privilege of worrying about him.

"I don't guarantee I wouldn't push you off it," he said after a moment's consideration. His smile was, all of a sudden, rather sharp. "I'd suggest not trying it. We're both bullheaded enough that it would only end in tears."

That is an eerily good point

[gunslingerqueen]

"I would be genuinely disappointed in you if you didn't consider pushing me off." Mostly because that was what Nariko would do to him if the situation was dire enough and if he wasn't being helpful. Her response to that sharp smile involved cupping water in her hands and lazily dumping it on his hair, too far back get it in his eyes, but this was a bath, after all! "I expected as much, though. If you're being that difficult it would probably just be easier, not to mention quicker, to deal with the actual fight. There goes my awesome fantasy but, oh well!"

If he saw some game in it then, well, he was thinking too hard again. The question only mattered because she sort of wanted to fuck on that desk.

"Am I right in assuming you're not a big 'sleep in a bed with someone' person?"

I'm full of 'em!

[toweredingly]

Running a hand back through his hair to work the water through it, without really thinking about it, Roland shrugged. "I've slept with my ka-mates, when it came to cold desert nights and a thin bedroll. And once in a while with Bert before then, when we were children and fell asleep talking. But I doubt that's what you mean." That was a different kind of closeness altogether. Physicality had never played into that.

Leaning forwards for a moment to splash water on his face, he looked back at her. "In all honesty, I've never had the chance," he said frankly. "With Susan, the one time we fell asleep together was in the fields after fucking, and neither of us had a bed that wasn't being watched." For a moment, he looked a little darker for the thought, but he put it aside with an effort, as much for her sake as his own, and shrugged one shoulder. "Every other woman I've fucked charged by the hour. Assume as you like, your guess is as good as mine."

[gunslingerqueen]

That ... Was really so sweet that it came back around and felt mildly irritating. Or, in all honesty, what she thought was irritation was only real, aching jealousy. While he leaned forward she idley traced the path of his spine but her touch wandered every so often until he came back, and she was better for it since he was sixty percent of her heat right about now. Oddly enough the mention of Susan didn't anger her. It made her incredibly sad for a variety of reasons, but she didn't feel the unbearable sting of territorial possessiveness that could make her an absolute beast to deal with.

"Oh, don't say that, then I'll daydream about cuddling and that probably isn't very realistic." Not because he tended to be rough, but just because to cuddle you actually had to go to bed, and she knew just by being in his room, the lack of feeling in it, that he wasn't here often. And he sure as hell wouldn't be visiting her, not even if Farson's balls were nailed to board and he wanted to celebrate. "But, then, those of us who need attention tend to want to see others as the same, it's not as lonely that way."

This, much like a lot of what Roland said, was just a plainly stated fact and nothing more than that. "That's three! The next two will be absolutely terrible, though, do you want to put yourself through such a harrowing challenge?"

[toweredingly]

"I think I can face it down somehow," he replied, straight-faced, and half-turned his head to look at her fully. "I'll strike you a deal. No surprises, no punching people I don't like, I don't need that. Ask me the other two, and when I've answered, you'll answer mine. Five questions. Deal?"

He didn't really expect her to refuse. She seemed to like talking, after all, and he didn't plan to ask her anything too uncomfortable. This just felt horribly one-sided, which for somebody unused to talking about himself, made it rather more difficult. Besides, thinking about it, he was a little shocked by just how little he knew of her.

[gunslingerqueen]

It was physically impossible for him to be anything but serious at least a third of the time. That had to be the case, but at least that was something she couldn't possibly help. If nothing else, he was right, she wasn't going to refuse but one those terms did bother her a bit.

"I'll give you punching, especially since I would never really do it anyway," Unless someone was hurting him. Or Bert or Alain. "Amend 'no surprises' to exclude harmless things such as occasionally asking you to come shoot with me or perhaps have lunch, and I will accept that sometimes your answer to such requests will be 'no', and I won't hold it against you." Probably. "And then it's a deal. Hell, ask ten if you like."

[toweredingly]

"Few surprises, then. I've enough of them as it is, just at the moment. Deal."

She wasn't entirely wrong in her belief that it was near-impossible for him not to be serious. Whatever sense of humour he had once had (which hadn't been considerable; jokes had always been one of the areas of life he left to other people) had been lost in Hambry, or along the long miles between then and now. But that didn't stop him from smiling, although he looked more than a little tired as he did. It was in the eyes, those cold blue eyes that looked older than they had any right to.

"Alright." Resting his hands on her thighs, he half-closed his eyes. "Ask away."

[gunslingerqueen]

If nothing else it was easier to accept as a simple personality trait rather than another symptom of his current frame of mind. Sometimes people were just serious, after all! And there wasn't anything wrong with that. She watched him in that moment but saw nothing wrong with that exhaustion, it could mean any number of things and as long as he didn't look to be in pain she would refrain from smothering him with her concern.

"How long has it been since you spent time with your ka-tet," She still couldn't say that word without her tongue forming oddly around it but it didn't stop her any, "as their friend and not their dinh?" She had warned him that this would be a little harder, so no complaining!

[toweredingly]

From the way he looked at her, it was quite clear the question didn't make sense to him. He was silent for several moments, and when he did answer, it was slow and careful, picking his way through the words.

"I can't be one and not the other. No more than we can stop being an-tet. I was their dinh when we were boys, long before I won my guns, and I will be their dinh until our tet is broken. And I am no less their friend when I am talking to them dan-dinh, or when we are fighting together. And I am no less their dinh when we are shooting targets together, or mocking one another." He couldn't help feeling that he was failing to articulate just how difficult he found the question. He knew what she meant by it, but the idea of that friendship being separate from their dynamics as a tet simply wasn't one he could wrap his head around.

[gunslingerqueen]

She only looked at him in response, without a single visual cue to help him out simply because she wouldn't get the answer she wanted if there was a hint to be found.

Whether Roland understood or not wasn't really her concern, judging but her grin she was happy with the result, and that was probably all that counted. "Good, that was the answer that I hoped for." Because for all that seemed to linger between those friends, good, bad, simple and not, certain things just couldn't be undone. They just had to be that way, including Roland's status, and the probably constant back and forth between he and Cuthbert.

"Alright, last one!" And yet for the first time Nariko hesitated. It wasn't an overly pronounced fact, but as she had finally returned to her more bubbly, relaxed self even a second or two of extended silence was odd. She half-filled it with her touch lingering over one of his arms (bless men and their arms, really and truly) the other still around him as she rested her chin on his shoulder.

"Did you consider not going through with it yesterday? I told you that you didn't have to." But he had only kissed her and that wasn't an answer, it was just the one thing left to utterly confuse her at the time.

[toweredingly]

This time, there was no hesitation. "No." He half-smiled, a little wryly, as he clarified. "I almost bolted this morning, but yesterday? No." The smile vanished again, and he rested back against her, squeezing her leg lightly.

"When you said that I could choose not to show," he said after a moment, "that was when I knew I would." Frowning a little, he closed his eyes. "Not only because of the rest of what you said, though that was true enough. That you brought men and stock with you, that you would stand by Gilead, that you had made your own choice... all that mattered, but it wasn't why." It was hard to find the words for this. Now, as with the question before, he picked his way through what he was saying with exquisite care, speaking slowly and with long pauses. "When I arranged to marry you, I didn't think of it as I should have. I was thinking of pieces on a board, not of people. When you arrived here, when I began to think of it, I..."

With a little splash, he shifted, opening his eyes and half-turning to look at her fully. There was a frankness there that had been lacking before. "I thought, what is it I am condemning her to? A loveless marriage, fraught with ghosts. A husband who carries the Tower first, Gilead second, and her far behind either. A war in a land that isn't hers, with a people who mistrust her and a town half-dead. I started to think of you as a person, and I saw someone who would struggle at best under all that weight, and at worst break. And I would be responsible.

"Then I met you, and I heard where you had come from, and I realised you wouldn't break. You were strong, and you were willing to work, and you had a gunslinger's heart. And I thought that I had been wrong. The worst thing that could happen wasn't bringing you here. It was wanting you. That would be the harder thing to carry. Yesterday..." Again, he paused, running a hand back through his hair, and shrugged. "Yesterday, I realised that the worst had already happened. And I realised, not for the first time, what a fucking idiot I am." He laughed, a short little bark. "So, no, not yesterday. Yesterday, I realised that avoiding it would be the stupidest thing I could possibly do."

He fell silent again, settling back against her. The marks where her nails had dug into his back were stinging just a little in the warm water, and if that wasn't a reminder of how stupid he'd been to think he could not want her, he didn't know what was.

[gunslingerqueen]

Not yesterday but today? That made more than enough sense, it wasn't as if she hadn't been terrified at the reality of it. The presence of her cousins and their hands all over her, arranging this and that, not to mention the sense of disconnection from herself the whole time. Now she understood it better, why she had been so scared, and had secretly hoped Ignis might not take her down the aisle. He might have told her not to marry Roland and of all the times she had been told not to from so many different people if she had heard it then, she would have listened. Except, while her own bout of cold feet made sense, that wasn't what Roland meant at all.

In fact it was nowhere near, and it didn't matter how long it took, she waited for every train of thought and was so intently focused on listening that she almost jumped when he faced her. He was too fucking quick sometimes. By the time he turned back around and reset himself in the way that was now his until they got out of this tub, her face was stuck in a permanently shocked expression. What? What in the world just happened? Was any of that even real? Was he capable of understanding what all of that meant to her? Probably not, but the idea ran through her mind anyway.

"Roland …" What the hell did she even say? What could even be good enough? Nothing, likely, but she tried despite that. "This is the second time you have told me more than I knew I even needed to begin with." And she could say thank you over and over again but it just wouldn't be right. The only thing she could do was hug him, almost too gently but unquestioningly desperate. But that wasn't for too long, she didn't want to drag everything down and she only needed a moment and a half or so. Her voice might have been a little thick when she spoke again but it would return to normal. She was perfectly fine, none of it was sadness, in fact it was indescribable gratuity. "Honestly, I don't think anyone has said this many positive things about me in a day in years!" Hahaha! Hah!

Her grip relaxed, returned to normal, but she did kiss his cheek. "Your turn." If only to give her a break from the recurring waves of amazement that seemed designed to make her cry out of some weird, exhausted-relieved joy. "Ask whatever you want, no limits."

[toweredingly]

Roland took in her response with complete equanimity, probably at least in part because he really didn't understand what it meant to her. He could see that she was surprised, and that she was grateful, but it didn't make much sense to him. All he had said, as usual, was the truth, plain and unvarnished. True, it had been a harder truth to carve out than most, but it was bare truth nonetheless. That she was strong, that she had surprised him with it, and that he wanted her.

He didn't say any of that, though, just covered her hands with his and closed his eyes again for a moment, thinking. His first instinct was to ask the questions that really burned at his curiosity - what Joshua had been to her, for instance, where that desperation came from, why her mother had turned coats - but even dense as he could occasionally be, he was sharp enough to know when a wound might be too raw to prod at it. Instead, after a little while, he asked, "What were you expecting me to be? When you came here, before you met me, what did you expect?"

[gunslingerqueen]

He didn't need to, in her own way she knew it, that unless he asked the questions he intended to avoid out of what was probably the form of kindness he knew to give her, he would never understand what it meant for someone to call her strong. Hell, to even be wanted in general, let alone physically. The moment between her reaction and his question was enough to settle her but just as before it felt as if another layer of grief had been pulled off of her. It wasn't all gone but it was better than before and she hardly asked for more than that.

"I feel bad, this is an entirely boring answer!" But one he was owed all the same and one she would speak honestly just as he'd done for her. "I wasn't really expecting you to be anything, rather I tried to run through any combination of traits that would make the most sense based on the position you were in. If there had been more time between coming back and finding out that I was going to be married at all, I might have had time for an expectation of some sort. As it was I came home, she told me, I threatened to kill her and she dangled my brother in my face. I didn't have a choice at that point so it was done and I was coming here."

For her it had all happened in an extremely short amount of time, no chance to stop and think or gain her bearings before she was in a foreign place. "Before I actually saw you I figured you might end up being too busy working and might either ignore me completely or just occasionally visit me for sex and nothing more. Being expected to keep you company in some play at emotional intimacy was a possibility, too, but I found that much more unbearable compared to being ignored. I will say that I expected you to be older than me, about Joshua's age in truth, and I didn't expect you to be good looking, either. Granted, I had to stop freaking out before I could notice that last part. I had just gotten here and, to my ears, you were already trying to back out. I didn't care about the why of it, you were someone I didn't know but you stood in the way of protecting my brother and I couldn't let that happen."

Now was a very good time to kiss his neck, near where she had left a very prominent mark. "I am sorry about all of that. I was scared but I don't think that's exactly an excuse, not all the way."

[toweredingly]

He shrugged the shoulder she wasn't leaning over. "In your position, I would have thought the same. You don't have to excuse it. It is what it is." And what it was, in all honesty, was enough to make him profoundly grateful he didn't have any siblings. The kind of leverage she was describing, that need to protect her brother... he had enough to contend with, without that fear. The closest thing to a brother he had was Cuthbert, who could look after himself. "I'll admit, I wondered how you'd been told. If you had any say in it. That was part of why I was so concerned over it. I may not be a good man in all ways that count, but I hope the sun would burn itself out before I became a rapist."

Well, judging by the last hour or so, that wasn't something he had to concern himself over any more. The thought made him smile briefly despite himself, one hand going down to slide up the inside of her thigh.

"Alright. Another question, then." It didn't take him as long to come up with one this time. "You said one of your problems was Bert. Why?"

[gunslingerqueen]

She laughed softly and wanted to kiss him more than she wanted anything else in that moment. "I think it would do that and surely implode, first. Even when I thought you were an unbearable ass, you were appealing. I just figured we would have amazing hate sex."

The path of his hand made her grin and she hoped he could feel it clearly, but his question made her huff. "'Problem' isn't the right words it's just ..." She leaned back and then forward again, trying to think through it. "... How do I explain this without going on for an hour..." Well, shit. Of all the questions that would give her real trouble!

"One of the reasons I like and greatly prefer you to someone like Cuthbert is because you don't really hide anything. I won't lie and say that it isn't difficult to hear certain things delivered bluntly or seemingly without any regard for how I might feel, but I can handle that. What scares me is talking to someone who says one thing but really feels the opposite. Even when he's kind I get the very distinct feeling that it is ... Not faked, but it's at arms length and then that makes the sensation even worse to me." It was her turn to be careful about her choice of wording, she needed to get this at least mostly right the first time around. "He's been incredibly sweet to me and I am grateful for that, I don't believe he would ever purposely harm me unless I gave him a reason. And I imagine that someone who hides some of those feelings is also the type of man to feel things so incredibly and fiercely that maybe it's just too much, and it's easier to smile and joke, to only mention it in short bursts."

She sighed, perhaps a little dramatically. "And of course if I'm right about that then it means he and I share the trait, and that just magnifies my fears. Am I saying the right thing? Does he know that I would never let anything happen to you? Does he know I won't be disloyal? How do I find my footing with someone who can hide their feelings that skillfully? That's all it is."