toweredingly | The Morning After The Years Before [for gunslingerqueen]

Roland wrapped his other arm around her, too, holding her up against him and kissing the side of her head. "Water if God wills it," he said after a moment, low and quiet, his chin resting on her shoulder. "I'd have you by my side for the rest of my life, if it were up to me. But I'll take what I can get."

Letting his head fall back against the wall, he closed his eyes, and was silent for a long moment, his breathing slow and steady. At last, without moving, he said quietly, "I cry pardon. For all that I've done. For all that I've been to you that I should not have, and have not been that I should." His hand came up, stroking her hair lightly, then fell back to his side. "And for Christian. What I did, I ought to have told you, at least. Can you forgive me, dear?"

For once his ever present motto didn't bother her! It was a real, genuine miracle. Since he was so intent on holding her Nariko would savor every moment of it, not only because of his openness, but because the immediate future appeared to be stuffed with different possibilities. To have this moment for what it was meant the world to her, and she wasn't above being selfish.

Nor was Roland above surprising her. She hadn't expected an apology, and certainly not one that seemed perfectly heartfelt, even genuine. But she didn't say a word for a long while. Nariko stayed right where she was, completely still except for the way she massaged at his hip as if the motion helped her think. She had always been good with words but there was no excuse for speaking carelessly.

"Yes." She leaned up to kiss his cheek and then his neck. "Give me time. You need yours, and I need my own." Except that made it sound wrong as if she felt the need to grieve Christian in the way that he grieved for Susan. "We haven't been very good at a lot of things, apart or together, but when we were there," She paused again, for a surprisingly long while. "I guess I thought we were beginning to understand one another. I thought you would trust me to do it myself, to be strong enough for that. It hurts that you don't, but you have reasons."

She worded all of it with care not because he was incapable in any way, but because she wanted to be clear. If he didn't trust her with such a cut and dry matter, how could he trust her during any sort of conflict? Or to handle herself without him? To not have his trust in that sense was even worse than when she didn't have his love. Or know that she had it.

Roland was quiet for a long time, his only response being a short little nod, and held her close to him. His hand ran up and down her upper arm, in a way that might have seemed unconscious if it weren't for the sense of steady, unyielding purpose he was somehow radiating again. He opened his mouth after a few moments, about to speak, but was cut off by Cuthbert's voice from a little way behind the wall.

"Roland? Ro'?" The other man's voice was low, so as not to wake the camp, but perfectly clear. A few seconds later, Cuthbert's head appeared over the broken edge of the wall. "Found you gone, and I... holy shit." In the grey light of dawn, it was possible to see the way Bert's face scrunched up, in surprise and confusion and a little guilt. "Nariko?"

There had been more that she wanted to tell him but it was Roland and she was tired, and he was just warm enough that she could grab a little bit of decent sleep. Whether Roland knew it or not she fell into his body and took a little cat nap, one that was interrupted by the sound of Bert which made her startle and reach for the guns that weren't at her hips.

"Fuck," She muttered tiredly just before he showed himself and whatever calm their discussion had granted her was nowhere to be found. To his surprise and other reactions she only lifted a hand. "Surprise! Bet you thought you were done with me." She kissed the edge of Roland's jaw and stood. "Since we're clearly done with private time," She would have liked more of it, though. "I suppose we should get everyone up. The sooner we get the reunions over with the quicker we can get down to what really matters."

Roland stood alongside her, looking thoroughly weary, and reached over to clasp Bert's shoulder wordlessly. He, too, rather wished they'd had longer, but he didn't blame Bert for that. He only hoped there would be another time, not too far in the future, when he and Nariko could put aside who they had to be and just talk as man and wife.

"Wake Alain," he suggested, nodding to Bert. "Anyone else we have left, too. Tell them we'd hold palaver, but those who'd rather sleep, may. It's been a hard few days." To say the least. Sighing, he reached for Nariko's hand. "Guess privacy's a luxury we're lacking at the moment."

"You'll find that when all the walls are smashed down," Bert said, with uncharacteristic sombreness, and turned to dart away into the dimness with a slightly apologetic look at Nariko.

Bert had no part in it, they were going to forced to deal with the situation ahead whether they liked it or not. Even if they had somehow been placed out of time for another week it wouldn't have been enough. Nariko wasn't so stubborn that she wouldn't admit that she needed that time with Roland, going without it would always feel bitter.

"That we had any was a blessing," If she had received any looks they weren't realized, Nariko had turned her gaze to the few bedrolls she could see, and only looked back at Roland when she heard the other man walk off. "I have to speak with Tamir and Sabal before I do anything about the barrier. After that ..." She successfully refrained from looking as sad as she felt. Roland would seek his Tower, Nariko would head for Kyrat. "Once it's been dealt with it's only a matter of what path to take. I'll warn you now that you're likely to end up with Kaine."

Because she would follow Bert, and Bert followed Roland. She squeezed his hand, "Tell me what you've decided after speaking with them, and then I will get to work."

She didn't want to let go of him and that much was clear but it seemed as if they would need to handle the separate groups on their own. The gunslingers needed their dinh, and the clan needed their matara. Be who they had to be, indeed.

"We'll decide together," Roland said firmly, turning to grab her other hand and looking down at her. "If there are any of Gilead's men still alive, I've as much duty to them as to the Tower, and as much duty to you as to either. Even if the Tower calls louder, we'll decide together." And if I have to order the others back with you, and strike out for the Tower alone, well then I'll do that. He pulled her close, and gave her a hard, unyielding kiss on the lips before releasing her.

"Speak with Tamir and Sabal," he advised her. "Do what you can about the barrier. Meet me when we are done, back where you found me. What comes next, we can decide from there."

If he hadn't kissed her then Roland may have caught sight of the deeply troubled look she wore. And though she managed to answer him just fine - there wasn't any loss of passion despite her anxiety - the last bits of happiness were gone from her.

"Roland, your tower ..." She looked up at him with searching, upset eyes, but then forced herself to smile. It looked brittle, as it had after her mother died. She pulled her hands away gently and held them somewhat oddly against her stomach, curled into each other as if to preserve the warmth he'd given her. Or keep him away from her, in a sense. "Cry pardon, I'm being foolish." Except she wasn't at all, and Nariko knew it.

"I'll see you in a little while." With one last smile she turned and left Roland to his own while she dealt with hers. Over the course of the next fifteen minutes there was a great deal of noise. War or not, it seemed that the Lunaes had absolutely no issue with rejoicing for whatever perceived miracles they had been granted. At the center of it was, obviously, Nariko, with Nathan glued to her side. Throughout the various discussions that needed to be had he never left her side and she didn't attempt to push his clinging arms from her. And true to her word the majority of the issues were resolved quickly, she left Tamir and Sabal to themselves before attempting to find Roland with the ever present Grimoire taking up her free arm.

And she would inevitably find Kaine with him, or at least relatively near by. While Nathan had no trouble at running over to his sister Kaine had seemed to take in Nariko's return with a muted sort of look before she turned around. She lingered near Roland, oddly enough, but never made conversation and didn't appear to be listening to anything said between gunslingers, either. She just existed and would keep mindlessly following until Nariko and Roland spoke again.

Edited (There was every reason in the world to edit this.) 2015-09-04 22:54 (UTC)

The gunslingers made a ragged little party, the four or five survivors gathered around Bert and Alain like travellers around a campfire. It hurt Roland's heart to see them like that, to see how they had shrivelled to nothing. Still, for their sake he kept his face and his voice steady, holding back any hint of his grief. They all knew how deep he felt it; there was no use in saying so, and hurting them all further. He greeted them with a curt nod, wordless and simple, and joined them in their little cluster of abandoned bedrolls and bandaged limbs. There, he ended up hunkered at the centre of a kind of horseshoe-shape of gunslingers, his head bowed and his gunbelt laid in front of him. The silence around him was not conducive to interruption. Nor did his speech invite anyone in, when he did speak; it was low and steady, audible mostly to those gathered close to him. What few words did escape to the outer air were in the High Speech, which only confirmed the ritual atmosphere.

He spoke briefly, then let the silence stretch out again. Bert and Alain exchanged looks behind him, and glanced at Kaine, but it was the oldest of the surviving gunslingers who moved first - a man of about thirty, his leg blown away from the knee down, his holsters empty. He leant forwards, touching Roland's shoulder, and murmured a couple of words. After him came another, and another. The last of the gunslingers who had been left behind - a red-haired, gangly boy who could have been no more than fifteen - hesitated a long moment, then put out a hand that was missing two fingers, and laid it briefly over Roland's shoulder.

There was a moment more of silence before, at some unspoken signal, Roland abruptly settled back on his heels and picked up his gunbelt, buckling the heavy pistols to his hips again. "Those who lived will need to be tracked down. I'd have a posse for that, if we had the numbers. As it is, I'd hear from you all what passed in my absence. Full report."

When Nariko found him, he would still be in the middle of receiving reports, still as a statue except when he whipcracked out a question, listening without hurry to each man's story. Nor did he stop listening when Nariko approached, but waited for the red-haired lad to finish his telling before getting to his feet.

"What news?"

"Well, I've a pregnant woman to be concerned with but that wrinkle aside, nothing outside of what I expected." The book shifted from one arm to the other, and her free one motioned to the edge of Gilead's remains. "Once this is dealt with there are singular matters that need attending to but otherwise we're going back." It wasn't particularly complicated on her end, and it was never going to be. She glanced briefly at the other gunslingers, at his own, before looking back up at Roland. "If you plan on finding those who survived you're free to some of the horses. I only need one for Afsana and everything else can be taken from my mother's lands. I don't see the point in letting it all go to waste."

Of course there was a fair chance that the place was in ruins just like everything else but there wasn't any need to go over that, right?

Kaine took that moment to finally pipe up, and while she was hardly the warmest person but there was an added sharpness to every part of her, from her voice to her gaze. "You're going back there without Roland. Back to the group of people that would sing over your dead body if they had their way?"

"It would hardly be the first time, and I don't think that anything meaningful has been decided so feel free to calm yourself. If it's what you're worried about feel free to stay with Cuthbert, I'll be fine without you, too." There was nothing overtly bitter or even mean spirited about Nariko's response but it was enough to visibly irritate Kaine, leaving her flushed with either anger or embarrassment.

"I plan on finding them," Roland said, as if Kaine hadn't spoken, and nodded. "But I don't expect to. Not many of them, at least. More of Farson's men lived than of ours, and they'll be harrying the surrounds. No-one yet speaks to having seen Farson die." Turning away from his little group, he looked Nariko full in the eyes. "I'd have them join with your kin. Gilead's dead and gone. There's no sense clinging to lands we'll never have the numbers to reclaim."

He looked back over his shoulder at the other gunslingers, as though daring them to argue. None of them did, although the red-haired boy shifted as if to stand before Bert put a warning hand to his arm. Satisfied, Roland turned back to Nariko. "That's my view. Make of it what you will."

"Kaine's right, anyroad," Bert spoke up, after a moment, his voice low and oddly heavy. "You can't expect us to watch you go without a guard. Give us the horses. We'll find any survivors, and rejoin you later." His eyes flickered to Roland, then Kaine, then back to Nariko.

"I already have a guard and intend to pick up more of them along the way so I don't see the harm." It was enough of a miracle that she hadn't ignored Bert in the same manner that Roland had done to Kaine. If anything it sounded as if she was struggling to grapple with the idea that he was even vaguely concerned with her, or her own. "I'll be more than happy to take them as far as my home but I won't bring them to Kyrat. There is no time to account for the differences in strategies, the difference in views, and I won't knowingly walk them into an environment that is stacked against them." She looked off to one side while considering their options, and seemed to deflate a little before meeting Roland's eyes again.

"If they aren't opposed to it they can stay there with Tyrann, it would be easy to bring any others you find back there. If you don't end up 'distracted'," And that was a poor code term for 'run off for the Tower without me because I know you want to' as any. "Then Kaine would be able to lead you the right way. And if that's how it goes," She couldn't sound anymore doubtful, really. "Then hopefully I can welcome you and we can decide from there on."

Roland looked at her for a long moment, then nodded, accepting what she said. "Your reasoning is more than fair," he said, sounding only a little stilted. "And I guess it won't do any good to point out that the environment is stacked pretty high against you, too. It would set me at ease some if you had someone of mine with you, if only to report back to me if... if it goes wrong." The falter was small, but there. "But that's your call."

"I'd offer myself, if you'd take it," Alain said quietly, from where he hunkered at Roland's side. "One's no great burden in a journey, and I know how to hold my tongue. And it'll stop Roland or Cuthbert bird-dogging their way along behind you, as they'll be inclined to if you leave without a way to send word back." There was no teasing edge to that; he was, on this occasion, deadly serious. Nor did either Roland or Bert argue at his assessment. In fact, from the way Bert tilted his head and shrugged, he thought it pretty likely.

Nariko was prepared to speak almost immediately but it was Kaine who inserted herself into the discussion once more. "Alain would make up for losing Ignis and Agni, you know as well as I do that he's sharp enough to pick up on everything, let him see how you and the units work together and he'll pick it up." Again, Nariko tried to speak but Kaine wasn't having it. "Alain has a better temperament than Bert or Roland anyway! You're not going to find anyone better to present to the council when you face them, and you can just say that Roland is taking care of his family so he sent Alain along! It's impossible to bring Paradisa to Gilead, now, but you can still manage the reverse if -"

"Alright!!" Nariko finally managed to get an edge, and for Kaine it was worth it, her near gleaming expression said as much. "For your father's sake, don't break a damn muscle over this. Although it's good to know you've learned to think beyond yesterday." If she felt pressured by the suggestion it was well hidden or non-existent. "Give me a moment and we can all get to where we need to be going, this is going to be loud so don't have a fit. I'll be back in a second."

Or a bit longer, but that was all she felt the need to say before walking off again. Kaine waited just long enough to make sure Nariko was out of reasonable hearing distance before starting up again. Now, though, she was outright panicked, desperate to get the right information out as quickly as possible.

"Alain, whatever you do please don't let her or Nathan out of your sight. Don't let her convince you to stay with Tyrann, either. Go all the way to Kyrat, and if anyone so much as tries to hint that Roland has left her behind remember Concordance ninety-nine. That should be a well enough excuse until somebody can head your way."

"Concordance Ninety-Nine." Alain nodded seriously, pushing himself to his feet to stand beside Roland. "I'll remember. And I'll keep her in sight, and him as well. Ro'?"

"She's said all that's needed," Roland said quietly. "I trust you in this, Al, as I've trusted you in all else." He leant down, pressing his forehead to the smaller man's for a moment, his eyes closed and his hand on Alain's shoulder. "Thankee."

Alain only shrugged, clasping Roland's arm in return, and then settled back down into the little semi-circle of gunslingers. Bert gave him a light, friendly punch in the arm - "There's for warning her we'd follow!" - then looked up at Kaine. "And you?" he said, the lightness dropping out of his voice again. "You sound as if you're staying with us."

Kaine shrugged at that and answered, "I think I pretty much have to, actually? Unless you're all lying out of your asses about eventually meeting up again you wouldn't even know where to begin to look. Ever since 'Cressia' that place has been incredibly locked down, I think it was supposed to keep gunslingers out just as much as Farson." By the way that she spoke it was clear that she had no idea what Cressia actually was, and was only repeating what little she'd heard at some point or the other.

Before she could speak again there was a loud, shaking explosion that didn't sound as close as it should be, given how the Earth itself seemed to rock back and forth for a second. Unbothered Kaine looked over to where Nariko was, knocked on her ass and moving her hair out of her face. What had once been open air was, for all intents and purposes, a blood red wall that extended around Gilead's sizable perimeter, and it's only opening was in front of Nariko. It was so tall and well formed that it nearly blocked out the sun itself.

"… She's fine." Kaine cleared her throat as if that might help divert attention from the subsequent destruction of those walls. Every time it happened the same muffled explosion occurred but the rumbling tapered off. "If no one can give me a decent reason that I should stay behind or go to Kyrat then I'm sticking with what I was told to do, and what I'll likely be told in the very immediate future. And that includes following Roland."

Bert nodded, his gaze snapping back to Kaine. Nariko's destruction of the walls was fascinating, but he did have some manners. Not to mention, a profound sense of relief. "Good," he said, after a moment, and how much he meant it was clear by the lack of humour. He smiled, though, weary but heartfelt, and pushed himself to his feet. "Someone else ought to be around who's not afraid to cuff Ro' upside the head from time to time."

One of the other gunslingers made a choked sound that might have been a laugh, and Bert turned a grin on them, one much brighter and less true. "Can't say I don't speak true, sai Engel. Ro', by your leave I'll go and pack up our camp."

Roland nodded, settling back down beside Alain, his face stony and creased with thought, but his eyes on Nariko.

She had expected him to insist that she remain with Nariko, in fact Kaine had been hinging on that so thoroughly that Bert's answer left her visibly red. At first her smile was outright goofy, lovesick and elated in a way that revealed her young age but she had the sense to eventually restrain herself. If she could have Kaine would have gone to help him but the last section of the wall faded and Nariko was halfway to returning as Bert was given permission to leave.

"There," Nariko started as she came back, the Grimoire now floated just behind her. "Cry pardon for the dramatics, but it's done. Is there anything else that needs to be addressed? I don't want to waste the sun."

Kaine shrugged amicably, "I think that's it? I'll get the horses ready for us." Without any more warning than that she gave Alain and Roland a little halfhearted salute and turned back towards the Lunaes side of camp, where they were already gathering up their things. It left Nariko on her own and she addressed Roland almost immediately. "Was there anything else we needed to discuss?"

Because he had certainly been staring with a bit of force, there, and she doubted he was magically overtaken by her looks. Then again, maybe the wheels in his brain deigned he look at her while he churned, Nariko wouldn't pretend to know what made the difference.

"No." Roland got to his feet, gesturing to his gunslingers, who started to pack up the remnants of their camp and considerately ignore the married couple. After a moment, though, he shook his head, pressing his lips together. "Only that we seem to spend a lot of time lately in parting. Every time I think I have you back, you're gone again." His tone was matter-of-fact, but something a little less steady showed in the line of his mouth and the crease of his brow. He looked like a man with a great burden on his shoulders.

"Is that to say you wouldn't end up choosing to leave me one way or the other?" There was nothing inherently cruel about the question itself, no was it in Roland's same matter-of-fact tone. It was something that happened to be there, something she said with an underlying fear, if anything. "Or is it that you actually want to value whatever amount of time we have left?" That might actually be somewhat touching if she could believe it was the truth.

"Even if you don't make it back in time to meet me in Kyrat, Kaine's always been skilled in finding her way back. That's partly why she's going with you and yours to begin with. If you follow her in the end then we'll have our reunion." What state she might be in, and what mindset he would find himself in was what concerned her the most, but there was no controlling that.

"So long as you keep yourself in one piece till then," Roland said, and pressed his lips together, frowning. "It isn't that I think we'll never part. But I." His businesslike veneer shifted, just for a moment, and his tongue darted out to wet his lips. "I grieved you twice over already. When we part, I'd have it be for you to live your life, not to find your home six feet deep. I can't put it plainer than that. I love you, dear, and though I can't swear not to leave you, I can't bear to keep losing you."

"The only way that you and I will part, now, is in front of that Tower. One of us will die and the other will go forward, Roland. The only parts that we have a choice in involve everything between. If you can hold against that siren call then we can meet one last time. You only have to do that, and ask me not to go without you. To trust you enough to wait. It isn't ka, it's what you choose to do."

If it sounded as if they were having three separate conversations at one time then, well, it was only because they were. She hadn't meant to mention the bit about the Tower and Nariko visibly beat herself up about it, but then shook her head. "I suppose I can't put it plainly at all, Roland, how much of this you leave to the wheel, when the wheel asks you to help guide it."

So was it any wonder that there had been such stagnation? It was like a never-ending showdown.

Roland looked at her long and hard, his pale eyes narrowing. One could almost see the gears in his mind working, grinding slow and fine at this new information. But he said nothing for several moments, and, at last, all that he said was "You make it sound simple, as though the Tower is a day's stroll away. So why do I believe you?"

"Because I'm right?" For all his quiet all Roland received in return was that fly away arrogance that she could be known for when it was easy to be herself, when her mother's death didn't pull everything down. She sobered quickly enough and gave a more reasonable shrug, "It's hardly simple, it's only a matter of resolution. You're going to find the Tower, I'm going to accomplish the tasks that I have been given, that your goal is the middle of mine - That, I suppose, is truly ka."

She grinned, looking like herself again for just a second. "It's also somewhat creepy if you think about it in hindsight."

"And if I asked what tasks those are, would I get an answer?" Roland held her gaze, his blue eyes stonily unreadable as ever, but his mouth set in a softer line than before. "I'd as soon see you again before I walk the length and breadth of the Beam."

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Sliiight timeskip + Roland gets a shadow.

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