toweredingly | The Morning After The Years Before [for gunslingerqueen]

Her not-there mind had thought the groaning was Nathan, who had wound up into a little ball, pressed into a space where he could simultaneously catch her heartbeat and feel her skin. When her automatic, still not entirely conscious soothing didn't work it registered as off and she began to wake up. And then there was the dropping of a gun, more shifting and that was enough to snap her eyes open for good.

But it was only Roland, who looked like he was staring at a ghost.

"Hey," With practiced ease she unworked herself from her younger sibling's grip and pulled his blanket up to cover him while she sat up properly. "... Let's not wake him yet, okay?" Or anyone else. She wasn't ready to deal with them anymore than she was prepared for Roland, who she watched cautiously, expecting the world's most painful reprimanding or maybe a new shouting match. She would deserve it in spades but that didn't meant Nariko was going to enjoy it, and on barely two hours of sleep she could hardly think do much else but wing it. Not the most comforting strategy with Roland.

Edited (typo) 2015-08-19 00:03 (UTC)

Roland was quiet for a long moment. At last, eyes damp, he leant over Nathan, one hand flashing out to settle on her neck, and pulled her in to kiss her, long and hard.

"Oh, Nariko," he said hoarsely, pulling away at last. "Nariko, dear. I thought I'd lost you too." He didn't let go of her, his hands stroking over her face and her hair, as if he was afraid she might disappear, or might be gone already. He was crying for real now, not even trying to hide it, although he kept as quiet as he could for fear of waking the others.

At first she had no idea what to do with his lips on hers. It felt unsettlingly foreign, as if they hadn't been comfortable with each other just a week ago. But it seemed that her mind only stalled for a moment. Everything from the way she leaned into him, returned that kiss with as much energy as she could, was cautious, but it wasn't any less emotional. It wasn't right but she had missed him ever since he left her alone in their room back in Farcade.

Nariko had the decency to loathe herself for that as they parted. She pulled down the sleeve of her new outfit and wiped at his tears as they came. "... You're supposed to be angry with me." Because she had left him, because even though it would have left Kaine and Nathan screwed and alone Nariko really hadn't originally planned on coming back.

Between them Nathan stirred again, and she briefly looked down. "Come on," talking in whispers would be exhausting, she took his hands before getting to her feet. Most of Gilead was rubble but some of it remained standing, the remnant of a wall would be enough privacy to talk properly without getting the rest up.

"I am angry," Roland said quietly, walking with her, blinking away his tears. "But not at you." That wasn't wholly true. There was a part of him that was angry at her, in a directionless, resentful kind of way. Even that part, though, was relatively small and subdued. His anger had, for the most part, passed. What was left was grief, and a kind of weary numbness that sleep had totally failed to lift. The surroundings weren't helping. Seeing Gilead in crumbled ruin put a sharper edge on his pain. Knowing it had been his responsibility to protect it made it a thousand times worse.

He hunkered down behind a broken-down wall he recognised, by position, as the end of a guest room, and looked down at the bloodstained tiles underfoot, closing his eyes. "You came back," he said at last, simply. "How can I be angry at that?"

"Because I left at all and didn't intend to come back? Because I verbally tore at Cuthbert, and you don't trust me, and also because," She paused, shoved her hair back with both hands, messing it up even further. "Maybe we're not even good for each other. Which makes my coming back that much more fucked up."

She looked down at him before freeing her hands and sighing. "And yet, here I am." With her ring back in place and everything! Nariko didn't join him on the ground but she did lean against the wall, and was quiet for a long moment. "Do you know why Nathan is here?"

Edited 2015-08-20 00:19 (UTC)

"You might have been safer if you'd stayed away," Roland said, his voice low, looking up at her. He was little more than a silhouette in the early dawn, thin and tense. "I'm glad you came back. Good or bad. I don't see that it can make things much worse." Not while he was kneeling in the ashes of everything he'd ever known or cared for, the remnants of his people scattered to the wind. It could get worse, of course. It could always get worse. But he couldn't think that it would be because of her.

"I don't know why he's here," he said at last, frowning and turning his head away again. "I don't know why any of your kin are here, besides that they can't leave. Alain's the one who stopped to ask."

She knew why her own remained, that was far from the biggest or even most concerning mystery. If he had left the matter to Alain then she could only imagine how the day prior had gone for all of them. Drumming one set of fingers on her own hip she resolved to speak with the man at some point in the day, though it would only be slightly easier than Roland.

"I don't know why I'm asking about any of this, it's not as if I particularly care." Well, that wasn't true. The details of it were relevant, and she was concerned, but her priority wasn't sorting things out as it should be. Nariko lowered herself until she was sitting on the ground, knees drawn up.

"Just tell me if you are only glad because she didn't, Roland." If that happened to be the case then maybe she could stop this ridiculous sense of longing. Susan wasn't here anymore and so it was incredibly difficult to keep her hands still, to avoid seeking out what they had before. She hadn't parsed if it was desire, a need for comfort, or validation but the specifics hardly mattered. What really punched her in the gut was that despite her still very present anger she needed him.

He looked sidelong at her, but didn't move closer. Slinging one arm loosely over his knee, he fell silent for a long moment. Words had never come easily to him, and now least of all, when he was bone-weary and exhausted from grief.

"I'm glad," he said at last, calm and level as always, "because the woman I love has come back to me. I'm grieving that I lost Susan again," Though less, knowing she lived and had somewhere to go, "but that grief and that gladness are not the same." He looked at her fully then, his face craggy and still. "I'm glad because I love you, and I've had my fill of losing those I love. Does that answer your question?"

"Yes." She had the sense to meet his eyes but her resolve flagged and she lifted one hand to play with her hair in that flustered manner that was all her own. He kept saying 'love' and it was both the smallest and biggest thing in any world to hear. For half a moment Nariko fiddled with her hair, becoming more flustered with each second until she finally gave in.

"I've certainly come back even though I have no idea how to fix what's wrong," Their marriage really wasn't any more repaired for any of this, they just weren't worlds apart. But, hey, small steps? She lifted his arm and put it around her before shifting closer, and laying half of herself over his chest. It was meant to be a familiar gesture, it was how she had begun to hold him when they were alone in Kaine's house, and up until Farcade. "And I've no idea how long we'll travel together but it is something."

It was her not leaving him and breaking whatever nameless thing seemed intent on holding them together.

Roland wrapped his other arm around her, too, holding her up against him and kissing the side of her head. "Water if God wills it," he said after a moment, low and quiet, his chin resting on her shoulder. "I'd have you by my side for the rest of my life, if it were up to me. But I'll take what I can get."

Letting his head fall back against the wall, he closed his eyes, and was silent for a long moment, his breathing slow and steady. At last, without moving, he said quietly, "I cry pardon. For all that I've done. For all that I've been to you that I should not have, and have not been that I should." His hand came up, stroking her hair lightly, then fell back to his side. "And for Christian. What I did, I ought to have told you, at least. Can you forgive me, dear?"

For once his ever present motto didn't bother her! It was a real, genuine miracle. Since he was so intent on holding her Nariko would savor every moment of it, not only because of his openness, but because the immediate future appeared to be stuffed with different possibilities. To have this moment for what it was meant the world to her, and she wasn't above being selfish.

Nor was Roland above surprising her. She hadn't expected an apology, and certainly not one that seemed perfectly heartfelt, even genuine. But she didn't say a word for a long while. Nariko stayed right where she was, completely still except for the way she massaged at his hip as if the motion helped her think. She had always been good with words but there was no excuse for speaking carelessly.

"Yes." She leaned up to kiss his cheek and then his neck. "Give me time. You need yours, and I need my own." Except that made it sound wrong as if she felt the need to grieve Christian in the way that he grieved for Susan. "We haven't been very good at a lot of things, apart or together, but when we were there," She paused again, for a surprisingly long while. "I guess I thought we were beginning to understand one another. I thought you would trust me to do it myself, to be strong enough for that. It hurts that you don't, but you have reasons."

She worded all of it with care not because he was incapable in any way, but because she wanted to be clear. If he didn't trust her with such a cut and dry matter, how could he trust her during any sort of conflict? Or to handle herself without him? To not have his trust in that sense was even worse than when she didn't have his love. Or know that she had it.

Roland was quiet for a long time, his only response being a short little nod, and held her close to him. His hand ran up and down her upper arm, in a way that might have seemed unconscious if it weren't for the sense of steady, unyielding purpose he was somehow radiating again. He opened his mouth after a few moments, about to speak, but was cut off by Cuthbert's voice from a little way behind the wall.

"Roland? Ro'?" The other man's voice was low, so as not to wake the camp, but perfectly clear. A few seconds later, Cuthbert's head appeared over the broken edge of the wall. "Found you gone, and I... holy shit." In the grey light of dawn, it was possible to see the way Bert's face scrunched up, in surprise and confusion and a little guilt. "Nariko?"

There had been more that she wanted to tell him but it was Roland and she was tired, and he was just warm enough that she could grab a little bit of decent sleep. Whether Roland knew it or not she fell into his body and took a little cat nap, one that was interrupted by the sound of Bert which made her startle and reach for the guns that weren't at her hips.

"Fuck," She muttered tiredly just before he showed himself and whatever calm their discussion had granted her was nowhere to be found. To his surprise and other reactions she only lifted a hand. "Surprise! Bet you thought you were done with me." She kissed the edge of Roland's jaw and stood. "Since we're clearly done with private time," She would have liked more of it, though. "I suppose we should get everyone up. The sooner we get the reunions over with the quicker we can get down to what really matters."

Roland stood alongside her, looking thoroughly weary, and reached over to clasp Bert's shoulder wordlessly. He, too, rather wished they'd had longer, but he didn't blame Bert for that. He only hoped there would be another time, not too far in the future, when he and Nariko could put aside who they had to be and just talk as man and wife.

"Wake Alain," he suggested, nodding to Bert. "Anyone else we have left, too. Tell them we'd hold palaver, but those who'd rather sleep, may. It's been a hard few days." To say the least. Sighing, he reached for Nariko's hand. "Guess privacy's a luxury we're lacking at the moment."

"You'll find that when all the walls are smashed down," Bert said, with uncharacteristic sombreness, and turned to dart away into the dimness with a slightly apologetic look at Nariko.

Bert had no part in it, they were going to forced to deal with the situation ahead whether they liked it or not. Even if they had somehow been placed out of time for another week it wouldn't have been enough. Nariko wasn't so stubborn that she wouldn't admit that she needed that time with Roland, going without it would always feel bitter.

"That we had any was a blessing," If she had received any looks they weren't realized, Nariko had turned her gaze to the few bedrolls she could see, and only looked back at Roland when she heard the other man walk off. "I have to speak with Tamir and Sabal before I do anything about the barrier. After that ..." She successfully refrained from looking as sad as she felt. Roland would seek his Tower, Nariko would head for Kyrat. "Once it's been dealt with it's only a matter of what path to take. I'll warn you now that you're likely to end up with Kaine."

Because she would follow Bert, and Bert followed Roland. She squeezed his hand, "Tell me what you've decided after speaking with them, and then I will get to work."

She didn't want to let go of him and that much was clear but it seemed as if they would need to handle the separate groups on their own. The gunslingers needed their dinh, and the clan needed their matara. Be who they had to be, indeed.

"We'll decide together," Roland said firmly, turning to grab her other hand and looking down at her. "If there are any of Gilead's men still alive, I've as much duty to them as to the Tower, and as much duty to you as to either. Even if the Tower calls louder, we'll decide together." And if I have to order the others back with you, and strike out for the Tower alone, well then I'll do that. He pulled her close, and gave her a hard, unyielding kiss on the lips before releasing her.

"Speak with Tamir and Sabal," he advised her. "Do what you can about the barrier. Meet me when we are done, back where you found me. What comes next, we can decide from there."

If he hadn't kissed her then Roland may have caught sight of the deeply troubled look she wore. And though she managed to answer him just fine - there wasn't any loss of passion despite her anxiety - the last bits of happiness were gone from her.

"Roland, your tower ..." She looked up at him with searching, upset eyes, but then forced herself to smile. It looked brittle, as it had after her mother died. She pulled her hands away gently and held them somewhat oddly against her stomach, curled into each other as if to preserve the warmth he'd given her. Or keep him away from her, in a sense. "Cry pardon, I'm being foolish." Except she wasn't at all, and Nariko knew it.

"I'll see you in a little while." With one last smile she turned and left Roland to his own while she dealt with hers. Over the course of the next fifteen minutes there was a great deal of noise. War or not, it seemed that the Lunaes had absolutely no issue with rejoicing for whatever perceived miracles they had been granted. At the center of it was, obviously, Nariko, with Nathan glued to her side. Throughout the various discussions that needed to be had he never left her side and she didn't attempt to push his clinging arms from her. And true to her word the majority of the issues were resolved quickly, she left Tamir and Sabal to themselves before attempting to find Roland with the ever present Grimoire taking up her free arm.

And she would inevitably find Kaine with him, or at least relatively near by. While Nathan had no trouble at running over to his sister Kaine had seemed to take in Nariko's return with a muted sort of look before she turned around. She lingered near Roland, oddly enough, but never made conversation and didn't appear to be listening to anything said between gunslingers, either. She just existed and would keep mindlessly following until Nariko and Roland spoke again.

Edited (There was every reason in the world to edit this.) 2015-09-04 22:54 (UTC)

The gunslingers made a ragged little party, the four or five survivors gathered around Bert and Alain like travellers around a campfire. It hurt Roland's heart to see them like that, to see how they had shrivelled to nothing. Still, for their sake he kept his face and his voice steady, holding back any hint of his grief. They all knew how deep he felt it; there was no use in saying so, and hurting them all further. He greeted them with a curt nod, wordless and simple, and joined them in their little cluster of abandoned bedrolls and bandaged limbs. There, he ended up hunkered at the centre of a kind of horseshoe-shape of gunslingers, his head bowed and his gunbelt laid in front of him. The silence around him was not conducive to interruption. Nor did his speech invite anyone in, when he did speak; it was low and steady, audible mostly to those gathered close to him. What few words did escape to the outer air were in the High Speech, which only confirmed the ritual atmosphere.

He spoke briefly, then let the silence stretch out again. Bert and Alain exchanged looks behind him, and glanced at Kaine, but it was the oldest of the surviving gunslingers who moved first - a man of about thirty, his leg blown away from the knee down, his holsters empty. He leant forwards, touching Roland's shoulder, and murmured a couple of words. After him came another, and another. The last of the gunslingers who had been left behind - a red-haired, gangly boy who could have been no more than fifteen - hesitated a long moment, then put out a hand that was missing two fingers, and laid it briefly over Roland's shoulder.

There was a moment more of silence before, at some unspoken signal, Roland abruptly settled back on his heels and picked up his gunbelt, buckling the heavy pistols to his hips again. "Those who lived will need to be tracked down. I'd have a posse for that, if we had the numbers. As it is, I'd hear from you all what passed in my absence. Full report."

When Nariko found him, he would still be in the middle of receiving reports, still as a statue except when he whipcracked out a question, listening without hurry to each man's story. Nor did he stop listening when Nariko approached, but waited for the red-haired lad to finish his telling before getting to his feet.

"What news?"

"Well, I've a pregnant woman to be concerned with but that wrinkle aside, nothing outside of what I expected." The book shifted from one arm to the other, and her free one motioned to the edge of Gilead's remains. "Once this is dealt with there are singular matters that need attending to but otherwise we're going back." It wasn't particularly complicated on her end, and it was never going to be. She glanced briefly at the other gunslingers, at his own, before looking back up at Roland. "If you plan on finding those who survived you're free to some of the horses. I only need one for Afsana and everything else can be taken from my mother's lands. I don't see the point in letting it all go to waste."

Of course there was a fair chance that the place was in ruins just like everything else but there wasn't any need to go over that, right?

Kaine took that moment to finally pipe up, and while she was hardly the warmest person but there was an added sharpness to every part of her, from her voice to her gaze. "You're going back there without Roland. Back to the group of people that would sing over your dead body if they had their way?"

"It would hardly be the first time, and I don't think that anything meaningful has been decided so feel free to calm yourself. If it's what you're worried about feel free to stay with Cuthbert, I'll be fine without you, too." There was nothing overtly bitter or even mean spirited about Nariko's response but it was enough to visibly irritate Kaine, leaving her flushed with either anger or embarrassment.

"I plan on finding them," Roland said, as if Kaine hadn't spoken, and nodded. "But I don't expect to. Not many of them, at least. More of Farson's men lived than of ours, and they'll be harrying the surrounds. No-one yet speaks to having seen Farson die." Turning away from his little group, he looked Nariko full in the eyes. "I'd have them join with your kin. Gilead's dead and gone. There's no sense clinging to lands we'll never have the numbers to reclaim."

He looked back over his shoulder at the other gunslingers, as though daring them to argue. None of them did, although the red-haired boy shifted as if to stand before Bert put a warning hand to his arm. Satisfied, Roland turned back to Nariko. "That's my view. Make of it what you will."

"Kaine's right, anyroad," Bert spoke up, after a moment, his voice low and oddly heavy. "You can't expect us to watch you go without a guard. Give us the horses. We'll find any survivors, and rejoin you later." His eyes flickered to Roland, then Kaine, then back to Nariko.

"I already have a guard and intend to pick up more of them along the way so I don't see the harm." It was enough of a miracle that she hadn't ignored Bert in the same manner that Roland had done to Kaine. If anything it sounded as if she was struggling to grapple with the idea that he was even vaguely concerned with her, or her own. "I'll be more than happy to take them as far as my home but I won't bring them to Kyrat. There is no time to account for the differences in strategies, the difference in views, and I won't knowingly walk them into an environment that is stacked against them." She looked off to one side while considering their options, and seemed to deflate a little before meeting Roland's eyes again.

"If they aren't opposed to it they can stay there with Tyrann, it would be easy to bring any others you find back there. If you don't end up 'distracted'," And that was a poor code term for 'run off for the Tower without me because I know you want to' as any. "Then Kaine would be able to lead you the right way. And if that's how it goes," She couldn't sound anymore doubtful, really. "Then hopefully I can welcome you and we can decide from there on."

Roland looked at her for a long moment, then nodded, accepting what she said. "Your reasoning is more than fair," he said, sounding only a little stilted. "And I guess it won't do any good to point out that the environment is stacked pretty high against you, too. It would set me at ease some if you had someone of mine with you, if only to report back to me if... if it goes wrong." The falter was small, but there. "But that's your call."

"I'd offer myself, if you'd take it," Alain said quietly, from where he hunkered at Roland's side. "One's no great burden in a journey, and I know how to hold my tongue. And it'll stop Roland or Cuthbert bird-dogging their way along behind you, as they'll be inclined to if you leave without a way to send word back." There was no teasing edge to that; he was, on this occasion, deadly serious. Nor did either Roland or Bert argue at his assessment. In fact, from the way Bert tilted his head and shrugged, he thought it pretty likely.

Nariko was prepared to speak almost immediately but it was Kaine who inserted herself into the discussion once more. "Alain would make up for losing Ignis and Agni, you know as well as I do that he's sharp enough to pick up on everything, let him see how you and the units work together and he'll pick it up." Again, Nariko tried to speak but Kaine wasn't having it. "Alain has a better temperament than Bert or Roland anyway! You're not going to find anyone better to present to the council when you face them, and you can just say that Roland is taking care of his family so he sent Alain along! It's impossible to bring Paradisa to Gilead, now, but you can still manage the reverse if -"

"Alright!!" Nariko finally managed to get an edge, and for Kaine it was worth it, her near gleaming expression said as much. "For your father's sake, don't break a damn muscle over this. Although it's good to know you've learned to think beyond yesterday." If she felt pressured by the suggestion it was well hidden or non-existent. "Give me a moment and we can all get to where we need to be going, this is going to be loud so don't have a fit. I'll be back in a second."

Or a bit longer, but that was all she felt the need to say before walking off again. Kaine waited just long enough to make sure Nariko was out of reasonable hearing distance before starting up again. Now, though, she was outright panicked, desperate to get the right information out as quickly as possible.

"Alain, whatever you do please don't let her or Nathan out of your sight. Don't let her convince you to stay with Tyrann, either. Go all the way to Kyrat, and if anyone so much as tries to hint that Roland has left her behind remember Concordance ninety-nine. That should be a well enough excuse until somebody can head your way."

"Concordance Ninety-Nine." Alain nodded seriously, pushing himself to his feet to stand beside Roland. "I'll remember. And I'll keep her in sight, and him as well. Ro'?"

"She's said all that's needed," Roland said quietly. "I trust you in this, Al, as I've trusted you in all else." He leant down, pressing his forehead to the smaller man's for a moment, his eyes closed and his hand on Alain's shoulder. "Thankee."

Alain only shrugged, clasping Roland's arm in return, and then settled back down into the little semi-circle of gunslingers. Bert gave him a light, friendly punch in the arm - "There's for warning her we'd follow!" - then looked up at Kaine. "And you?" he said, the lightness dropping out of his voice again. "You sound as if you're staying with us."

Kaine shrugged at that and answered, "I think I pretty much have to, actually? Unless you're all lying out of your asses about eventually meeting up again you wouldn't even know where to begin to look. Ever since 'Cressia' that place has been incredibly locked down, I think it was supposed to keep gunslingers out just as much as Farson." By the way that she spoke it was clear that she had no idea what Cressia actually was, and was only repeating what little she'd heard at some point or the other.

Before she could speak again there was a loud, shaking explosion that didn't sound as close as it should be, given how the Earth itself seemed to rock back and forth for a second. Unbothered Kaine looked over to where Nariko was, knocked on her ass and moving her hair out of her face. What had once been open air was, for all intents and purposes, a blood red wall that extended around Gilead's sizable perimeter, and it's only opening was in front of Nariko. It was so tall and well formed that it nearly blocked out the sun itself.

"… She's fine." Kaine cleared her throat as if that might help divert attention from the subsequent destruction of those walls. Every time it happened the same muffled explosion occurred but the rumbling tapered off. "If no one can give me a decent reason that I should stay behind or go to Kyrat then I'm sticking with what I was told to do, and what I'll likely be told in the very immediate future. And that includes following Roland."

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Sliiight timeskip + Roland gets a shadow.

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