The insincerity of her smile might be corrected, but that didn't mean Roland hadn't noticed it. He felt an odd kind of irritation at it, even knowing how often his own smiles were just as empty. By his standards, he was being both gentle and verbose, but it wasn't even the failure of that which put his hackles up. Most likely, it wasn't anything that specific at the root of his irritation, just general frustration at the whole situation. He had come to care for her. Given time, he might yet come to love her, although a part of him still hoped otherwise. But they hadn't been given time, and it was entirely his own fault.
What's done is done, he reminded himself, and cast a glance back at the blanket as he closed the door behind them. It was a beautiful thing, and he understood the tradition in a way he could never have spoken. Because she had made it. She had put that time and that heart into it. That meant one hell of a lot more than the words she'd said. Maybe she hadn't chosen this, but at the very least she'd accepted it, and he should damn well do the same.
Telling himself that wasn't the same as doing it, of course. Otherwise, he would have been at peace with this decision since the moment he'd made it. But it helped, a little, to remind himself of that. It helped more to know, in the gut-deep way of the truly faithful, that it was part of ka's path, for good or ill. What would be, would be. No matter if it made him feel a traitor.
"Drug-fuelled sex and tattooing," he said into the silence, when they were halfway down the stairwell, "might be what some enjoy, but I hope you won't mind me saying that I'm glad it was my tradition we followed."
:)
What's done is done, he reminded himself, and cast a glance back at the blanket as he closed the door behind them. It was a beautiful thing, and he understood the tradition in a way he could never have spoken. Because she had made it. She had put that time and that heart into it. That meant one hell of a lot more than the words she'd said. Maybe she hadn't chosen this, but at the very least she'd accepted it, and he should damn well do the same.
Telling himself that wasn't the same as doing it, of course. Otherwise, he would have been at peace with this decision since the moment he'd made it. But it helped, a little, to remind himself of that. It helped more to know, in the gut-deep way of the truly faithful, that it was part of ka's path, for good or ill. What would be, would be. No matter if it made him feel a traitor.
"Drug-fuelled sex and tattooing," he said into the silence, when they were halfway down the stairwell, "might be what some enjoy, but I hope you won't mind me saying that I'm glad it was my tradition we followed."